Finding Carter
by Gimli2003
Summary: How to find your 2IC offworld
1. Chapter One: The Incident

Title/Author: Finding Carter / by Gimli2003  
  
Season/Spoilers:Any season where Sam is a major and Daniel's there / none at all  
  
Rating/Content :PG / Some slight language  
  
Category:Humor  
  
Summary:How to find your 2IC offworld  
  
Author's Note:I'm back! Yes I know, that line is SOOO old and overused. This is  
  
just stupid fun stuff. Anyhoo, r/r, but most importantly, ENJOY!  
  
Finding Carter  
  
By Gimli2003  
  
Jack:"I'm bored. Yep, really bored. Oh so very bored. Bored bored bored. Yep, I haven't  
  
been this bored since the last time we were on a boring alien planet with nothing on it  
  
but miles and miles of boring desert in every single boring direction of the boring  
  
compass and-"  
  
Daniel:"Jack, please shut up."  
  
Jack:"But I'm BORED! B-O-A-R-E-D, BORED!"  
  
Daniel: "I don't care, just SHUT UP!"  
  
Jack:"Shutting up would be something I might do if I had something to do after I did that,  
  
but since I don't, I won't."  
  
Daniel:"Huh?"  
  
Jack:"What?"  
  
Daniel:"You won't what?"  
  
Jack:"What do you mean, 'I won't what?'"  
  
Daniel:"That's what I want to know."  
  
Jack:"Well don't we all, Danny-boy. Except me, of course, because-"  
  
Daniel:"Yes, yes, you're bored, I GET IT!!!"  
  
Jack:"No, actually I was going to say we're heading out."  
  
Daniel:"No you weren't."  
  
Jack:"...You're right I wasn't. But we are."  
  
Daniel:"We are what?"  
  
Jack:"Heading out."  
  
Daniel:"When?"  
  
Jack:"How about, oh I don't know, NOW?!"  
  
Daniel:"Oh…okay."  
  
Jack:"Well that's too bad Daniel because-wait, what?"  
  
Teal'c:"I believe Daniel Jackson is ready to depart as well, O'Neill."  
  
Jack: "Oh...well, good. It's about time you stopped playing with that rock anyway."  
  
Daniel: "Actually it's a gravestone Jack, with a wonderful eulogy carved into it in a fascinating  
  
combination of Japanese and Cyrillic characters, with the syntax of ancient-"  
  
Jack: "Good for whoever died and went into the ground under it, let's go!"  
  
Teal'c:"O'Neill."  
  
Jack: "Yeah, T?"  
  
Teal'c:"We seem to be missing Major Carter."  
  
Jack: "What?" *Looks around* "...OHFERCRYINGOUTLOUD!!!"  
  
Daniel: "Yep, that'll get her back real fast Jack."  
  
Jack:*Slaps Daniel*  
  
Daniel: "Ow! What the hell was that for Jack?"  
  
Jack: "Cause I felt like it."  
  
Daniel: "But why?"  
  
Teal'c:"I am curious to know the reason for this as well, O'Neill."  
  
Jack: "It releases built up tension…and it's kinda fun."  
  
Daniel: "JAAAAACK!"  
  
Teal'c:"..."  
  
Daniel: "Uh Teal'c, you okay?"  
  
Teal'c:*Slaps Daniel*  
  
Daniel:"Owww! TEAL'C?!? Not you too?!"  
  
Teal'c:"You are indeed correct, O'Neill. I found that to be quite enjoyable."  
  
Daniel:*Sigh* "How about we just find Sam and leave?"  
  
Jack:"Good idea. Ok campers, time to commence Operation: Find Carter!"  
  
Daniel:"…You really named it that?"  
  
Jack:"Well, yeah. What else would I name it?"  
  
Daniel:"Good point."  
  
Jack:"Okay, step one: Yell her name at the top of your lungs as long as you can."  
  
All:"CCCAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRTTTEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"  
  
"SSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMM!"  
  
"MMMAAAJJJOOORRRCCCAAARRRTTTEEERRR!"  
  
All:"..."  
  
Jack:"Hmm, didn't work."  
  
Teal'c:"Indeed. Normally she would have responded to our call by now."  
  
Daniel:"Step two?"  
  
Jack:"Yep. Time for me to get all official on her ass…"  
  
Daniel:*to Teal'c* "This one should work."  
  
Jack:"..."  
  
Daniel:"Uh, Jack?"  
  
Jack:*eyes closed, smiling* "Mmmmmmhhhhhmmmm"   
  
Daniel:"JACK!"  
  
Jack:"Huh! What?"  
  
Daniel:"Stop daydreaming about Sam's ass and get on with being official and everything."  
  
Jack:*grumbling* "Fine. MAJOR SAMANTHA N. CARTER, USAF, FRONT AND CENTER! FAILURE TO  
  
COMPLY WITH THESE ORDERS WILL GET YOUR ASS COURTMARTIALED FASTER THAN A DEATHGLIDER  
  
THROUGH A WORMHOLE. CHARGES WILL INCLUDE, UMMM ... guys, help me out here, what HAS  
  
Carter done wrong lately?"  
  
Teal'c:"Nothing that I am aware of, O'Neill."  
  
Daniel:"This IS Sam we're talking about."  
  
Jack:"Wellm fat lot of help you two are. CHARGES WILL INCLUDE FAILURE TO COMPLY WITH A  
  
DIRECT ORDER, GOING ABSENT W/O LEAVE, COMPRIMISAL OF OFFWORLD MISSION SECURITY ... AND  
  
FRATERNIZING WITH A SUPERIOR OFFICER!"  
  
Daniel:"WHAT?!"  
  
Teal'c:"Congratulations, O'Neill. I wish you and Major Carter the greatest happiness together."  
  
Jack:"No Teal'c, we're not going together or anything ... yet anyway."  
  
Daniel:"Does step three involve yelling too?"  
  
Jack:"Yep, actually it's the most dangerous step of all."  
  
Daniel:"To our hearing?"  
  
Jack:"To your mortal coil, Space Monkey."  
  
Teal'c:"I believe step three involves tricking Major Carter into believing her chocolate supply  
  
has been depleted."  
  
Daniel:"Ah, that's right."  
  
Jack:"CAAARRRTTEEERRRR! WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF CHOCHOLATE!"  
  
Daniel:"Uh, Jack?"  
  
Jack:"Not now, Space Monkey."  
  
Daniel:"Jack?"  
  
Jack:*Sigh* "What is it, Dannyboy?"  
  
Daniel:"Can I borrow your zat before this goes much further?"  
  
Jack:"..."  
  
Daniel:"Jack...?"  
  
Jack:"CAARTTTEEERR-"  
  
Daniel:"Why do I not like that grin you're wearing?"  
  
Jack:"-DANIEL'S EATING YOUR CHOCHOLATE!"  
  
Daniel:"Hey!"  
  
Jack:"BETTER HURRY! HE'S GOING THROUGH THEM LIKE A REEFER GOES THROUGH A BAG OF PRINGLES!"  
  
Teal'c:"Your are incorrect, O'Neill. Pringles come in a tubular canister, not a plastic bag."  
  
Jack:"...Yeah, thanks for the reminder T."  
  
Daniel:*muttering under his breath* "How does he know what reefers eat like, anyway? IT'S NOT  
  
ME SAM! IT'S, uh...IT'S TEAL'C!"  
  
Jack:"Daniel, that's enough, it's not working."  
  
Teal'c:"I do not appreciate your endangering my safety in this way, Daniel Jackson."  
  
Daniel:"As much as I hate to say it, Teal'c, better you than me. She'll rip me apart like tin  
  
foil; you can actually put up a good fight."  
  
Teal'c:"...You do make a very good point, Daniel Jackson."  
  
Daniel:"Hey!"  
  
Jack:"Stop picking on Teal'c, Daniel. Time to go to step four."  
  
Daniel:"I'M picking on HIM?!"  
  
Jack:"Daniel..."  
  
Daniel:"I can't believe this. It's like I'm Curly getting tortured in a bad 3 Stooges episode."  
  
Jack:"Hey, there are NO bad 3 Stooges episodes!"  
  
Daniel:"And to think I trust you guys with my life."  
  
Jack:"Daniel!"  
  
Daniel:"Honestly, I'd prefer facing a legion of Jaffa to this any day. At least then-"  
  
Jack:*slaps Daniel*  
  
Daniel:"OOWWIE! DAMMIT JACK!" *glare at Jack*  
  
Jack:*glares at Daniel*  
  
Teal'c:"...What is a 3 Stooges, O'Neill?"  
  
Jack:"It's not really important, T."  
  
Daniel:"Can we PUHLEEZE just find Sam and get out of here?"  
  
Jack:"Ok, fine. Step four..."  
  
Daniel:"..."  
  
Teal'c:"..."  
  
Jack:"...You guys don't remember what it is, either?"  
  
Daniel:"You know, for the man who invented this 'plan'..."  
  
Jack:"There's a big slap waiting for you at the end of that sentence, Space Monkey."  
  
Teal'c:"I believe that step four involved the telling of humorous anecdotes, O'Neill."  
  
Daniel:"Jokes? How will that help?"  
  
Jack:"That's it! Blonde jokes!"  
  
Daniel:"Oh, sweet God, save me now."  
  
Jack:"HEY CARTER, WHY DON'T BLONDES WEAR SAFETY HELMETS ?"   
  
Daniel:*turns to Teal'c* "Uh, Teal'c?"  
  
Jack:"NOTHING TO PROTECT!"  
  
Teal'c:"You may borrow my zat'nitikal, Daniel Jackson."  
  
Daniel:"Thank you so much."  
  
Teal'c:*inclines his head to Daniel*  
  
Jack:"CARTER, WHAT DID THE BLONDE GET ON HER SAT SCORES?"  
  
Daniel:"The man really is insane."  
  
Teal'c:"Indeed."  
  
Jack:"NAIL POLISH!"  
  
Daniel:"Jack, please! Before you get us all killed-"  
  
Jack:"HEY MAJOR, WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE ASTROPHYSICIST?"  
  
Teal'c:"O'NEILL!"  
  
Daniel:"JACK!"  
  
Jack:"OH FINE ALREADY! Damn it, I was looking forward to finishing that last one, too."  
  
Daniel:"What's the plan for step five?"  
  
Teal'c:"I do not recall."  
  
Jack:"Lucky you two have me then. Quickly, to the StarGate!" *turns and walks twenty  
  
feet to the Stargate*  
  
Daniel:"..."  
  
Teal'c:*raises an eyebrow*  
  
Jack:*turns around* "You guys aren't following my lead."  
  
Daniel:"Jack, remind me how you got entrusted with the rank of colonel again."  
  
Jack:*waves his P-90 around* "I shoot things good."  
  
Daniel:"Ah, that's right."  
  
Jack:"Teal'c, could you dial us home? I don't remember the sequence."  
  
Teal'c:"Very well, O'Neill."  
  
Daniel:"We're leaving? Without Sam?!"  
  
Teal'c:*dials Earth on the StarGate*  
  
Gate:*FFFWWOOOOSSSHH*  
  
Jack:"YES DANIEL, WE'RE LEAVING THE PLANET NOW, NEVER TO RETURN! SO GET THROUGH THE STARGATE."  
  
Daniel:*sigh* "Okay." *head towards the open wormhole*  
  
Jack:"Daniel, what are you doing?"  
  
Daniel:"...I'm going through the Stargate?"  
  
Jack:"No you're not, stop right there."  
  
Daniel:"Ooookaay, now I'm confused."  
  
Gate:*FFFWWWIIIISSSHHHPPP*  
  
Jack:"Well, on to step six. OH MY GOD, TEAL'C, ON YOUR SIX!!!" *cocks P-90 and starts  
  
shooting sand and rocks like crazy*  
  
Teal'c:*joins him with his staff weapon*  
  
Daniel:"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING?!?!"  
  
Jack:*stops shooting for a second while Teal'c demolishes a stone outcropping* "We're making  
  
it look like we're fighting someone, of course."  
  
Daniel:"WHO? THE ARMY OF THE SAND GRAIN PEOPLE!?!"  
  
Jack:"You can sit there and complain, Daniel, or you can contribute. Either way, doesn't matter  
  
to me; I'm having too much fun." *continues shooting up the dunes with Teal'c*  
  
Daniel:*watching them* "Ah, what the hell." *starts disintegrating rocks and clumps of sand*  
  
All:*continue that way for about two minutes*  
  
Teal'c:"This does not appear to have the desired effect, O'Neill."  
  
Jack:"Well, onto step seven."  
  
Daniel:"Jack, wait a minute. I don't think we have a step seven."  
  
Teal'c:"Daniel Jackson is correct, O'Neill."  
  
Jack:"Still, it IS time for step seven." *starts taking of his vest and jacket*  
  
Daniel:*to Teal'c* "What do you think step seven is?"  
  
Teal'c:"I do not know, Daniel Jackson."  
  
Daniel:"Uh, Jack-"  
  
Jack:*is now down to his t-shirt* "What is it, Space Monkey?"  
  
Daniel:"What the HELL are you doing?"  
  
Jack:"wpWell, what does it look like?" *takes off his shirt with a flourish, grinning like an  
  
idiot* "I'm STRIPPING!"  
  
???:*somewhere beyond the dunes* "EEEP!"  
  
Daniel:*turns toward the sound* "Teal'c, did you hear that?"  
  
Jack:"Danny boy, hold this for me, would you?" *holds out his pants*  
  
Daniel:*turning around* "Huh? Hold onto what-OHMYGODHESINHISBOXERS!"  
  
???:*again, somewhere out there* "GASP!"  
  
Teal'c:"I believe I did just hear something, Daniel Jackson."  
  
Daniel:"JACK, PLEASE! KEEP THEM ON!!!"  
  
Jack:"Sorry Daniel, but these boxers MUST COME OFF!"  
  
Teal'c:"O'NEILL, DO NOT REMOVE YOUR UNDERGARMENTS!"  
  
Daniel:"PLEASE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD-"  
  
Jack:"THEY'RE COMING OFF NOW!"  
  
Teal'c:"DO NOT DO THIS, O'NEILL!"  
  
Daniel:"JACK, DON'T DO IT!!!!!"  
  
Sam:*pops up from behind a big sand dune* "DO IT! DO IT NOW!!!"  
  
Guys:*stare at Carter*  
  
Sam:"...uh...I mean...sir...and Daniel, Teal'c...ummm..."  
  
Jack:"Nice to have you back, Carter!"  
  
Teal'c:"It is good to see you alive and well, Major Carter."  
  
Daniel:"SAM! THANK GOD!" *wraps her in a hug*  
  
Sam:"Daniel?!"  
  
Daniel:"NEVER let him do that AGAIN!"  
  
Sam:*looks at O'Neill in his boxers* "Pickachu, sir?"  
  
Jack:"Not a word, they were a gift from Cassie. Now, if someone would dial us home, please."  
  
Daniel:"Me, I'll do it!" *dials home and runs through the gate at the first opportunity*  
  
Teal'c:*follows Daniel*  
  
Sam:"...uh, well..."  
  
Jack:*picks up his clothes* "Just so long as it doesn't happen again, Major."  
  
Sam:"Yes sir, I'll tone done the volume on my walkman, next time."  
  
Jack:"Very good. Oh, and Sam?"  
  
Sam:"Colonel?"  
  
Jack:"About the jokes..."  
  
Sam:"It's okay, sir."  
  
Jack:"Really?"  
  
Sam:"Really."  
  
Jack:"Oh, oh good then."  
  
Sam:"Yes sir, it is."  
  
Jack:*goes through the gate*  
  
Sam:*pulls something out of her pocket* "Especially when it's all caught on digital camera."  
  
~Fin~  
  
P.S.You like? Now be good little campers and review; if you do, I'll do more like this... ;) 


	2. Chapter Two: The Aftermath

// As promised, the sequel to Finding Carter. Thanks for the reviews, guys. You're a great bunch.  
  
// See previous chapter for story info  
  
// Oh yeah, since I forgot this in the original chapter, I own just the story here, nothing else.  
  
Chapter Two: The Aftermath  
  
Hammond:"I can't believe you two."  
  
Sam:"..."  
  
Jack:"...Y'know, this isn't really our fault sir."  
  
Hammond:"Really?"  
  
Jack:"Uh, yes?"  
  
Hammond:"How do you figure that Colonel?"  
  
Jack:"Well, sir, we kept everything about this incident on planet."   
  
Hammond:"I see. And how do you explain this?" *turns around the computer monitor on his desk*  
  
Sam:"Oh boy."  
  
Jack:"It was her fault." *points to Sam*  
  
Sam:*mumbles* "Traitor."  
  
Jack:"Oh, you're one to talk. I made up this plan to find YOU."  
  
Sam:"So it's all my fault, huh?"  
  
Jack:"Yes, exactly."  
  
Sam:"My fault you went psycho with your P-90 and stripped to your undies in the middle of   
  
the dessert simply because..."  
  
Hammond:"Quite, both of you!"  
  
Jack:"..."  
  
Sam:"..."  
  
Hammond:"Well, answer me."  
  
Jack:"I thought we were supposed to be quiet."  
  
Hammond:"Colonel, now is NOT the time to test my patience. Answer my question, people."  
  
Sam:*looks to Jack, confused*  
  
Jack:*looks the same way* "Eh, what was the question again?"  
  
Hammond:"What in Hellfire did you two think you were doing on that planet?!"  
  
Jack:*points to Hammonds screen* "I thought the video was sort of self-explanatory."  
  
Sam:*raises an eyebrow in amusement* "Sure was to me."  
  
Jack:"Are you coming on to me, Major?"  
  
Hammond:"Jack!"  
  
Jack:"Shutting up."  
  
Hammond:"Major, care to donate your two cents to this conversation?"  
  
Sam:"...I didn't think anyone else would know that video even existed, much less look for it   
  
in my quarters."  
  
Hammond:*sigh* "All right then, I guess this isn't going anywhere..."  
  
Jack:"So we can leave? Wonderful sir, thanks, nice seeing ya again, ciao," *turns to leave*  
  
Hammond:"GET BACK HERE COLONEL!"  
  
Jack:"Damn, so close."  
  
Hammond:"As I was saying, since this isn't going anywhere, let's go over how we're going to fix  
  
this."  
  
Sam:"Honestly sir, I don't think there's anything to fix."  
  
Hammond:"A digital recording of one of the most incredibly ludicrous acts ever committed by SG-1  
  
while off-world has been running over the base network for the past 6 hours and you think  
  
there's nothing here to fix?!"  
  
Sam:"Well..."  
  
Jack:"Again, it's her fault."  
  
Sam:"Sir, permission to strike my CO?"  
  
Hammond:"Denied, of course!"  
  
Sam:"Crap."  
  
Hammond:"Crap indeed. That's what all of SG-1 is in if we don't get started with damage control   
  
right the Hell now."  
  
Jack:"Sir, I thought that, given our reputation, damage 'control' is the last thing you'd want  
  
us involved in."  
  
Hammond:"Do you see me laughing Colonel?"  
  
Jack:"Thankfully, no. Otherwise I'd think that you had come up with a really hideous plan to   
  
punish us."  
  
Sam:"General, I can make some suggestions for appropriate such recourse with the colonel, if   
  
you'd like."  
  
Jack:"Major!"  
  
Sam:"Just doing my part at damage control, colonel."  
  
Hammond:"...I'll think about it, Major."  
  
Jack:"Sir?!"  
  
Hammond:"Relax, Jack, if I do accept her ideas, I'll let you put in a few of your own for her."  
  
Jack:*grins evily* "Hehehehehe."  
  
Sam:"Oh brother."  
  
Hammond:"Turn about is fair play, Major."  
  
Jack:"Wait a minute: you mean I have to play fair?"  
  
Hammond:"I'd advise it, Colonel. Unless you want Major Carter to have the same leeway in your  
  
punishment as you will in hers."  
  
Jack:"On second thought, fair play sounds good."  
  
Sam:"What changed your mind sir?"  
  
Jack:"You're far too evil to be let totally off the lease, Major."  
  
Sam:"Aww, thank you sir." *looks proud*  
  
Jack:*looks intimidated*  
  
Hammond:*looks exasperated*  
  
Jack:"Sir, what about Daniel and Teal'c?"  
  
Sam:"Yeah, they were just as complicit in this as we were."  
  
Hammond:"I've already seen to that."  
  
Sam:"..."  
  
Jack:"...Are you gonna tell us what they got for punishment?"  
  
Hammond:"Well, I had thought about cutting off Dr. Jackson from the bases coffee supply-"  
  
Sam:"Dear God, no!"  
  
Jack:"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, sir, please-"  
  
Hammond:"-but decided that was more punishment than ANY of us needed."  
  
Jack:"Phew."  
  
Sam:*mouths upward* "Thank you."  
  
Hammond:"We're a little short-staffed, recently, so I decided to send both of them to the galley,  
  
instead."  
  
Jack:"As test tasters?"  
  
Hammond:"As dish scrubbers."  
  
Jack:"Good ol' KP, eh George?"  
  
Hammond:"Relax, Jack. There's no way in Hell I'm letting YOU get off that easy."  
  
Jack:*gulps visibly*  
  
Hammond:"Anyway, back to the original matter at hand."  
  
Sam:"Well, I could go through the system and delete all copies of the video from the base   
  
network. Combined with my erasing the cameras memory chip, all record of the video should  
  
be destroyed, so long as you can get anyone to turn in any copies they may have made of  
  
the video."  
  
Hammond:*sighs* "I guess that will have to do. Dismissed major."  
  
Sam:"Thank you sir." *turns to leave*  
  
Jack"Whoa whoa WHOA! One minute major. General," *indicates Carter* "what was that?"  
  
Hammond:"Major Carter fixing our problem and receiving her punishment."  
  
Jack:"Uh-huh. And the punishment was…where?"  
  
Hammond:"She'll be on the network for days correcting this mistake, Colonel."  
  
Jack:"No, she'll have it done in hours, sir. And besides, this is Carter we're talking about;  
  
she loves this stuff."  
  
Sam:*smiles sweetly* "You won't be safe when you sleep from now on, sir."  
  
Jack:*points at her* "Ok, THAT deserves a reprimand at the least. Assign her with Danny and  
  
Teal'c to KP, too."  
  
Hammond:"And have her poison the SGC?"  
  
Sam:"HEY!"  
  
Jack:"..."  
  
Hammond:"..."  
  
Sam:"Well...yeah, right…whatever…stupid culinary arts."  
  
Hammond:"All right, then. I also want you to reconfigure the base Ethernet. Have it running at   
  
30%, no 50% greater efficiency by the end of the week."  
  
Sam:"Gladly, sir."  
  
Hammond:*sends an inquisitive look to Jack*  
  
Jack:*shakes his head*  
  
Hammond:"And backup the base files and copy all of Dr. Jackson's artifact reports onto DVDs."  
  
Sam:"Will do."  
  
Hammond:"...Link the base computers to act as a supercomputer to aid in the decryption of the   
  
Ancient language we found on the tablets of PS9-348."  
  
Sam:"All righty."  
  
Hammond:"Expand our current memory reserves by five times over without adding new hardware."  
  
Sam:"I'll get right on it."  
  
Hammond:"Install a wireless network on every level of the base."  
  
Sam:"Actually, sir, I did that last week."  
  
Hammond:"Damnit, major!"  
  
Jack:*grinning* "Told ya."  
  
Hammond:*swears underneath his breath, pauses, then brightens* "All right, then. Major, you will   
  
be doing everything I just instructed you to do," *turns to Jack* "through him."  
  
Sam:*gasps in horror*  
  
Jack:*eyes go wide*  
  
Hammond:"Yes, you will instruct Colonel O'Neill in all of those endeavors. I will have you   
  
monitored. If your hands every actually perform any of this work, Major, both of you will  
  
clean latrines for the next month."  
  
Sam:*shocked speechless*  
  
Jack:*sighs* "Can't we just do that instead?"  
  
Hammond:*smiles* "Good day, people."  
  
Sam:*leaves the room in a stupor*  
  
Jack:*follows suit*  
  
Hammond:*chuckles and then reclines in his chair* "Major Carter isn't the only one who knows   
  
how to be evil, Jack."  
  
// Like it? Review please, campers! 


	3. Chapter Three: The Punishment

// I couldn't help it. I had to add to this. I wonder if a sequel for Jack would be good. Hmm, what do you think? Send your vote for a 'Finding Jack' to Gimliin2003@hotmail.com or attach it to your review.  
  
// See previous chapter for story info  
  
Chapter Three:The Aftermath  
  
Sam:*groans* "This sucks!"  
  
Jack:"You said it."  
  
Sam:"I mean, normally I enjoy working with electronics and computers but THIS?! This just blows!"  
  
Jack:"Blows, Carter?  
  
Sam:"Learned it from Cassie, sir."  
  
Jack:"Never-mind, I don't want to know how SHE learned it. Uh...Carter?"  
  
Sam:*sigh* "Yes sir?"  
  
Jack:"How can something suck AND blow?"  
  
Sam:"Well, sir, they're the same principle, really. It just depends on your point of view. See, both patterns of matter flow are basically the result of different pressure levels between two bodies of matter. Where one system has-"  
  
Jack:"Carter."  
  
Sam:"Yes sir?"  
  
Jack:"Never-mind."  
  
Sam:"Sir, it's not that complex a principle."  
  
Jack:"Well, I can't understand it, so that means it is."  
  
Sam:"Why does that not surprise me?"  
  
Jack:"Hmm, someone's a little testy."  
  
Sam:"Well, I think I have a right to be. All this work I have to do with just YOU to work with? It's just inhumane."  
  
Jack:"Major, I'm standing right here."  
  
Sam:"Don't think I've forgotten it, sir."  
  
Jack:"C'mon, I'm not THAT bad with technology."  
  
Sam:"Sure. Like when you put the X-301 into a spin that made even you throw up because you screwed with the inertial dampening system?"  
  
Jack:"Equipment malfunction, and I was just nauseated, Daniel threw up."  
  
Sam:"Or the time you hacking the bases network to get erase an incriminating photograph Daniel took of you off-world."  
  
Jack:"Damn online training manuals. Knew it wasn't worth $40."  
  
Sam:"How about the time you tried lighting fireworks for the Forth of July with a Goa'uld fire stick?"  
  
Jack:"Hey, they got lit, didn't they?"  
  
Sam:"What about that time you tried to jumpstart your truck with a zat gun?"  
  
Jack:*jabs a hand at her* "Now that should have worked."  
  
Sam:"Uh huh."  
  
Jack:*points to the computer monitors* "Do we get Fox on these?"  
  
Sam:"Sir..."  
  
Jack:"ESPN?"  
  
Sam:*testily* "Colonel-"  
  
Jack:"Tell me that I can at least watch CNN on them."  
  
Sam:"Jack you're-wait, CNN?"  
  
Jack:"I like watching Paula Zhann."  
  
Sam:*Sigh* "And here I thought the United States military didn't condone torture."  
  
Jack:"How about you just tell me what to do so we can end this as soon as possible."  
  
Sam:"Good idea. All right, let's start."  
  
Jack:"Okay." *clicks something on screen*  
  
Sam:"Sir, what are you doing?"  
  
Jack:"Clicking on the start button, of course."  
  
Sam:"I didn't mean THAT, I was...oh, never-mind. Look, Colonel, please do me a favor."  
  
Jack:"Shoot."  
  
Sam:"Lucky guess."  
  
Jack:"Haha, space cadet."  
  
Sam:"Space cadet?"  
  
Jack:"Blonde astrophysicist."  
  
Sam:"A lesser woman would kill you for that."  
  
Jack:"Then I'm glad for the present company."  
  
Sam:"I'm just going to make you a eunuch." *gets up from chair and stalks towards him*  
  
Jack:*gets out of seat, scrambling away* "Whoa, Carter, down girl! Take it easy."  
  
Sam:"Take it back."  
  
Jack:"Taken already! I TAKE IT BACK!!!"  
  
Sam:*smiles* "Okay." *sits down again*  
  
Jack:"'Okay?' That's it?"  
  
Sam:"Sir, just sit down so we can get this over with."  
  
Jack:"Uh, ooo-kay..." *sits down* "Hey Carter, what's this thing do?"  
  
Sam:"That's the slot for floppies."  
  
Jack:*eyes widen*  
  
Sam:"Get your mind out of the gutter, Colonel! We're not going to be using that today, anyways."  
  
Jack:*whew* "Good, cause that thing would be WAY too small."  
  
Sam:"Colonel, one more comment like that and I'll show why they rank me level 3 in hand-to-hand."  
  
Jack:"Really?" *waggles his eyebrows and grins*  
  
Sam:*closes eyes and mutters under her breath* "I will not strangle my commanding officer, I will NOT strangle my commanding officer."  
  
Jack:*leans in close, whispering suggestively* "You will break regs with your commanding officer, you WILL break regs with your commanding officer."  
  
Sam:*groans in misery* "Janet's going to have to commit me after this is over. Look, just don't touch anything without my telling you to, okay?"  
  
Jack:"Sure. Let's just start with the fishing thing."  
  
Sam:*lifts an eyebrow in surprise* "Uh, what fishing thing, sir?"  
  
Jack:"Y'know, that...net, thingy?"  
  
Sam:"Net thingy? Sir, do you mean the bases Ethernet?"  
  
Jack:"Yeah, that thing."  
  
Sam:"You're doing this just to aggravate me, aren't you?"  
  
Jack:"Is it working?"  
  
Sam:*screams in exasperation*  
  
Jack:"Guess so."  
  
Sam:"You are IMPOSSIBLE!"  
  
Jack:"Hey, I resent that remark, true though it may be."  
  
Sam:"You know, it's a good thing I don't have my service pistol with me, sir."  
  
Jack:*not paying attention* "And furthermore, just what the Hell is this net thing supposed to catch anyways? Is it supposed to catch these bugs I keep hearing about?"  
  
Sam:"Colonel, with all due respect, two words: shut it."  
  
Jack:"You might as well tell Danny not to oogle at his rocks. Anyways, let's get this over with. It can't be THAT hard if you do this so often in under a day, can it?"  
  
Sam:"..."  
  
Jack:"Carter?"  
  
Sam:"Sir, we're going to be reconfiguring the entire bases computer network system to a level of performance several tiers above where we're at now, using no new hardware or software. That's a MAJOR task, even for me."  
  
Jack:"No pun intended, I take it?"  
  
Sam:"Huh?"  
  
Jack:"Thought so."  
  
Sam:*furrows brow, then shakes head* "We can start by burning Daniels files onto DVDs. That will take care of that objective AND free up a ton of space on the bases memory storage units."  
  
Jack:"Really? Daniel's stuff takes up that much space?"  
  
Sam:"Sir, he scans everything even remotely relevant to his research and our missions onto his computer. He even scans his memos onto his hard-drive."  
  
Jack:"And he told me he didn't have any extras. Damn disappearing memos."  
  
Sam:"His desk-top has four hard-drives, each in the forty or fifty gigabyte range. And that's not including what he's had to move onto the storage units in the basement over the years, either."  
  
Jack"Wait, wait, wait a minute: his desk is a computer?!"  
  
Sam:"No sir, his desk-*TOP*."  
  
Jack:"How come I didn't get that model?"  
  
Sam:"SIR!"  
  
Jack:"And I could've sworn George would give me first dibs on something like that."  
  
Sam:"Why do I bother with something so hopeless?"  
  
Jack:"I dunno-HEY!"  
  
Sam:"Back to your original question, sir, if we printed out everything Daniel ever stored electronically on base, we could fill the Library of Congress, top to bottom. Twice. There simply isn't enough paper in the Amazon for such a task"  
  
Jack:"That's it. From now on, Daniel is not allowed to have a coffee machine in his quarters."  
  
Sam:"Okay, but *you* break the news to him. Bring Teal'c and SG-3 along, too. You'll need them."  
  
Jack:"So, how many figa-tights are we gonna free up by copying his stuff?"  
  
Sam:"GIGA-BYTES, sir."  
  
Jack:"Whatever."  
  
Sam:*grumbles* "Well, I'm guessing, what with the estimate that 60% of the stuff on the memory units is Daniels, probably somewhere around 80 Terrabytes."  
  
Jack:"So, that's a lot, one of the Tella-fights?"  
  
Sam:"Enough to store the digitized version of every page of your 30 years of porno magazines."  
  
Jack:"A: it's Playboy, which, B: is art, not a dirty thing in any way, so, C: it appreciates in value over time, so that, D: I can supplement my income with it when I retire. So there."  
  
Sam:"That has got to be the most pathetic excuse for collecting porn I've ever heard."  
  
Jack:"But it works."  
  
Sam:"...yeah, that it does."  
  
Jack:"How about the video thing we're supposed to get rid of?"  
  
Sam:"Ah, that's an easy one. All you have to do is search for a digital video media file approximately 35 megabytes in size created on the date we were off-world."  
  
Jack:"..."  
  
Sam:*sighs* "Start button, then search, files and folders."  
  
Jack:*taps buttons* "Okay, then?"  
  
Sam:"Under search options, click the first three boxes under search options."  
  
Jack:"Done. What next, oh Mistress of the Machines?"  
  
Sam:*lifts an eyebrow*  
  
Jack:"Silicon seductress?"  
  
Sam:*raises the other eyebrow*  
  
Jack:"Enchantress of electronics?"  
  
Sam:"You can stop now."  
  
Jack:"Gotcha." *looks sheepish*  
  
Sam:"Select a windows media format file, at least 35,000 kilobytes in size, created between the day we left and the day we got back."  
  
Jack:*clicks a lot of stuff, then waits a second* "There, done. So, how long will this take-oh, that was quick."  
  
Sam:"Good, now just select the file and drag it into the recycle bin."  
  
Jack:*starts doing stuff*  
  
Sam:"Uh, sir?"  
  
Jack:"Yeah, Carter?"  
  
Sam:*a little distressed now* "What are you doing?"  
  
Jack:"I'm watching your video."  
  
Sam:"Sir, we really should be-"  
  
Jack:"Whoa, Major, what was with the extreme close-up there?"  
  
Sam:*blushing furiously now* "I, uh, lost control, sir. I mean-" *smacks self on forehead*  
  
Jack:*turns to her with a grin* "Obviously." *turns back to keyboard and beings furiously typing commands*  
  
Sam:"Sir?"  
  
Jack:"Yeesss?"  
  
Sam:"Was that you who just made the lights go out...and the cameras deactivate and the doors lock?"  
  
Jack:"Maayyybe..." *grins*  
  
Sam:"Why?"  
  
Jack:"You can do everything Hammond said, right? Sooner than you indicated?"  
  
Sam:"...If I do it myself, yeah. In a few hours, in fact."  
  
Jack:"Can anyone tell it was me that just did this?" *waves a hand around at lights, camera, and doors*  
  
Sam:"Not if I get in there and help cover your tracks."  
  
Jack:"Good. We'll get to that later. In the meantime, let's take a break, kick back, relax...together."  
  
Sam:"I guess that online training manual worked after all, huh?"  
  
Jack:"Oh, I'm a man of many skills, Sam. Want to see some of them in action?"  
  
Sam:*grins* "Yeah, I'd like that."  
  
//There ya go. All done. My first finished fic, hooray! Hope you all enjoyed the little surprise at   
  
//the end. Now, that's it, finishio, no more, end of story…though thoughts of a sequel MIGHT be   
  
//entertained. Later folks! Review, por favor. 


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